A few months ago my roommate gave me this little journal, "The Planner Only For Revolutionary Projects" with the subtitle that reads "112 blank pages waiting for you" and so I waited. I waited to fill the pages with ideas of social justice, world peace, and freedom. Over the past months God's been revealing the true secret to revolution (or at least my revolution), and it is a little unexpected...
It was about 3 years ago, in my college dorm room that I first watched Brene Brown's Power of Vulnerability TED Talk. I remember tears in my eyes, thinking, "If I really apply these lessons, my life will be compelled to change." Simultaneously, I remember thinking the terrible, but brutally honest thought "Well, I will deal with that later." I guess that you could say I had a chronic avoidance of telling the whole truth. I was a master at feigning vulnerability. I told just enough so that it seemed like I was being honest. There were difficult things that I was willing to share with those close to me, but there was a sinking feeling in my stomach when I thought about "those things" that I did not want to share. That deep brokenness and darkness that we all have but never want to admit. (As you read this I'm sure you are thinking of something too). These are the things that we can cover up in day-to-day life but, here is the reality... without realizing it we are living with out being truly known and believing lies about ourselves that we have internalized.
I knew these truths and I knew that I had to be able to be completely honest with someone. Thankfully, I have those friends. But here is the scary truth, I was not even honest with myself about my own darkness. I had masked it as "not a big deal".
In Japan, I live in a culture of hidden realities, secrets, unspoken norms, and a deep fear of being exposed. Without even knowing it I had been living the same way for most of my life.I knew that I was forgiven by God, but I still had some fear of being exposed.
In mid-December the walls came crashing down due to my own mistakes (that I won't publish on the internet but am willing to share with you personally, if you would like to know). I had come to a pinch. At that moment I realized I could not avoid this vulnerability anymore. I wrote in my journal a list of my options: lie, tell a half truth and pretend that it is enough, or run away entirely. It seemed my only morally upright choice was to tell the whole truth, and OWN my vulnerability and shame.
Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.This began a journey of fighting with God about whether or not I really had to face vulnerability, whether or not I was ready to share with my whole heart. The conclusion: It is time to own my brokenness, and boldly share my darkness with others.
Vulnerability is not just sharing your darkness with lots of people. It is accepting God's shaping hand to expose you, change you, and cover you with life altering grace. It is telling the right people.This is the point where a beautiful truth gives freedom. God already knows all my brokenness and darkness. He knows it so fully and yet he chooses to still love me. It is because He knows my brokenness fully that his love has power! If someone loves you but does not know the truth about you, is it really love? But if they only know the truth about you, and do not love you in that, it is devastating. So we must have both truth and love. This is the most profoundly beautiful thing in the world.
If I want to be truly loved by my teammates, family, boyfriend, and friends then I must let them see the real me. Brene Brown says it so well when she says:
“In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.”
So I have begun, begun sharing the real me. (Again, this does not mean sharing with everyone, it means sharing with the right people). Every time, without fail, since I have owned this vulnerability and shared it with others, they reply by opening up about their own brokenness. They have said things like "Me too..." and "I don't have the same experience, but this is my brokenness". Vulnerability begets vulnerability.
I write all this, not because I am a vulnerability expert, but because as much as I fight against it (I still am, by the way), I believe that is the key to truly living. I believe this is the key to true love. I believe this is the key to deep community. Vulnerability unlocks what we have hidden in the darkness, it brings it to the light, and takes away the power that it holds over us. What lies in our darkness holds power over us and allows us to live in fear and shame, but if we bring it into the light then we have power over it.
Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. Will you tell your story?
